There is this boy at the girls school who keeps on crossing paths with us. Everytime we see him I get a groan from Elizabeth. "He is so annoying mom, everybody hates him". I have frequently found that those who are angry and/or annoying have sad stories. This seems especially true of children as they seem to be more transparent. I pursued this boys story. I found it last week. A tale of severe neglect, lack of love at home, a boy left to fend for himself who is desperate for approval. I talked to Elizabeth about it while I was brushing her hair in the morning. She has always been so great for a good conversation. I told her a little about the boys story. "But mom he is so annoying and he is mean to me." I then realized that what I was talking about was mercy. "I am not saying that you have to be his best friend but maybe be a voice among your friends to be a bit nicer to him. He doesn't deserve it, that is what mercy is, we get something good that we don't deserve. God shows us mercy everyday." We talked a bit more and as I continued to try to brush the nest out of the back of her hair, she yelled "Mercy mom! Mercy". Maybe something got in.
May 20, 2005
May 19, 2005
Giving Gifts
My children love to give gifts. Sometimes this is good and sometimes this is difficult. I have had to fight with myself to allow them to do this and been challenged by them to give the best gifts. Hannah had a little, red, homemade pillow with a little embroidered flower in the front. We made it together to teach her how to sew. She always had this pillow with her. It was her pillow at night, a bed for her dolls in the day and a prized decoration. A friend of ours (I will call her Jana) had just had a nervous breakdown. Hannah was very attatched to Jana. They had a very special bond. Jana was in the hospital. Our little Hannah wanted to go visit Jana and give her a gift. She chose her little red pillow. We talked about it that this meant it would not be hers anymore but would now belong to Jana. Hannah knew the cost and said that Jana needed it. Jana realized the value, as she had frequently seen Hannah with it, and it was what she needed, the comfort of selfless love. It was hard for me to let her give this gift. There are lots of gifts that are hard for me to let my children give. Elizabeth gave every last cent of hers to help a friend buy a car. Not much money in comparison with the cost of a car but very significant. I can think back that with each of my children there was a point of decision for me. Would I let my child give this gift (Your scooter? - are you sure? - but you have been wanting that for ages - that cost alot of money and that other child has so much - my mind argues). So many more examples. I have learned so much about real, selfless, gift giving from my children.
Avoiding Discipline
So, I was thinking about my blog today and thinking that things might be seeming a little airy-fairy so I thought I would write about something real hard, discipline. But even saying "real hard" I want to start with the easier side of it, how to avoid it. I think what can make this so hard is that we need to discipline according to what works for us as individual parents and then it is also different for each child. However, I like to avoid discipline in the first place, especially now that I am on number 5, so I thought I would tell you some ways I try to do that. Discipline will still be necesary too many times but hopefully less often. First, since alot of discipline inducing behaviour comes from a desire to get our attention I try to give my kids attention when they are good, "You are playing so well together, You found some great rocks, etc." When they have been real good I tell them so, sometimes they could even get a special treat, "While we were out today some ladies came up to me and said you kids were so good that you were a credit to me (a british compliment that is a favourite goal). Thank you so much. I feel so proud of you right now. You were great." Another way is that if there is no injury to other people or property and the injury to them is minimal I do a little "If/then", that involves a small injury, instead of a "dont", that requires disciplinary activity with an unfavourable response. Instead of "Don't step in the water" I try to say "If you step in that little stream of water at the edge of the walkway you could fall." Slip, fall. "You O.K.? It would be good to avoid that next time huh?" The last part is only appropriate for smaller children. This can be hard to remember to do. Sometimes I will use a "dont" and one second later, after viewing their little ticking mind at work, I regret it and wish I would have used "If/then" but unfortunately since I got the discipline ball rolling I need to follow it through. These things work for me, they may not work for you and your child or the stage of your child. Just some thoughts.
May 18, 2005
A Favourite Family Book
I thought I would do a book review today. This has been one of our favourite family books for years. It may seem on a bit lower level but is quite profound. I think it has been great for me to feel free as a mother to hear, "It is Okay to eat all the icing off your birthday cake...it is Okay to be short...it is Okay to live in a small house...etc." We all know this book pretty much verbatum in our family and have gone through 3 copies. Hannah takes this book expecially to heart as she takes apart the socks I have put into pairs to intentionally wear unmatched socks. "It is Okay if your socks don't match mommy!"
May 17, 2005
My Budding Writer
Elizabeth has had the most difficult time of any of my kids in school. Unfortunately her areas of genius are not generally measured in the school system. She was later than her younger sister in reading and struggles with logic. In our age of measuring our children up to some standard of universal perfection and normality this is unacceptable. As a reflection of her gifts in seeing beauty in commonly overlooked places and people she has begun to write. We forget about grammar and spelling at home and she is writing a novel called "Chila" among other short stories. Besides for her 12th birthday we got her a vintage imac with spellcheck.
My Baby Boy
Anyone who knows Samuel knows how difficult it is to get a "normal" photo of him. He couldn't help smiling this morning. He has been packed for 4 days for this trip. He goes away for 3 days of archery, kayaking in the atlantic ocean and rock climbing up in Birsay, at the top of our little island. Up here it was hailing today, not the safest day for these activities. I was frequently reminded of the first semi-conscious prayer I prayed for him when he was born, "Oh Lord, I love him so much, help me let him go." I realized at that moment of his birth why it is SO difficult for moms to allow their children to spread their wings. And yet, if you think about it that is what it is from conception on. First they need us for everything, then their little hearts start with an independant rhythm from ours. When they are born they breathe their first breath of independant air. Then they don't need our food. They don't need us to move from point A to point B and then Z. Then comes the careful balance of independance, affirmation, embracing, and other things I can't seem to find the words to describe. Sniffle, sniffle, my baby boy is growing up. He's growing up and repelling down dangerous cliffs and braving fierce ocean storms in small twig-like boats and learning to shoot deadly weapons and ... girls?...oh Lord, I hope not yet.
May 16, 2005
Taller than me
My son is now taller than me. Ever since he turned 14 he has been checking on an almost daily basis if he had grown taller than me. That day has come. I have friends that are shorter than me that this happened to much earlier. Has anything changed? We now both call each other "runt". I think of the swollen, bruise-faced baby gorilla that went through alot to enter into this world and I can join all the other gray-haired ladies in saying, "It goes so fast!". Definately worth every sleepless night, tear and moment of frustration. I also think my son has gotten better as a teenager, so far. He no longer sees girls as the enemy and he is able to follow the gist of a conversation and just plain old more fun. I did like the "terrible twos" though and tend to be a glutton for punishment. Please remember this, I may need you to remind me next week
Thank you
How exciting to get my first comments. Somebody is actually reading this. What amazing people I have the priveledge of knowing and the new friends I get to meet in the Spirit or in the future. I would like to sit down with all of you and have a cup of tea that lasts several days of just being and being together. I won't be able to comment much in the comment section but I do read them all and look forward to them all. I don't get alot of time to blog so I will give a blog a day top priority and responding in the comments section will come a bit lower. But know that as I read your comments that even if I havent met you I find a smile warming me up as I see you in my heart. Thank you
May 15, 2005
Little Angels
One thing I never expected was to learn from my kids. I learn so much
from them. My learning ratio increases as I am willing to slow down a
little and listen. We have so much baggage as adults. Baggage about
what is possible. What is good. What certain things are supposed to
mean. I believe our children are born imperfect (most seasoned mums
would agree with this) but have a certain purity. A beauty of thought.
An absence of baggage. My children have seen angels in difficult times
and can describe them to me in detail (my older kids think angels look
different than we think they do). My son has tried to walk on water in
the bathtub. I want to learn from them.
Recent Comments