Guilt or Freedom

I am quite good at putting myself on a tremendous guilt trip. At times I have felt guilty homeschooling when a network of homeschoolers are unavailable, guilty for not homeschooling, guilty for moving about, guilty for staying put, guilty for living where life is rough, living where life is comfortable, time with my kids, time away from my kids, putting Andrew's needs ahead of my kids and putting the kids needs ahead of Andrew,  I even feel guilty every time I buy bisquits (cookies) instead of baking them myself.

My guilt helps me understand a bit about the attraction of pennance (sp?). We want to beat ourselves up. I mean what is this perverted thing of self-persecution. How hard can it be to live in grace for ourselves and those around us. I think the lack of grace can lead to judgement. We start by judging ourselves and then to relieve the pressure we judge others and then the guilt. A horrible downward spiral.

God cannot be in this. God is NOT in this. I spent most of my childhood thinking God was a nasty ogre wagging his finger at me just waiting for me to mess up.

I remember the first time I was told that God loved me. I felt His long melting embrace and I trembled. I still tremble when I feel it or think about it. Just to be wrapped up in so much pure love. He is all about love and grace and freedom. The Bible is a book of passion and love. Jesus is about passion and love. Not to mention Freedom. Sometimes I feel like I want to stand up high and yell FREEDOM, even in, especially in among followers of Jesus.

I want to feel the embrace of God, I want to dance with Jesus and I want to swim with the Holy Spirit as often as possible. I want all this as I am alone and in with others who want to celebrate.

Comments

[Mark]

I don't think God's in it. It's just some psychobabble game we play on ourselves because we feel some responsibility or conscience...

[Thomas Brown]

Hi Debbie!
Blessings to you and yours! Pennance... Could pennance be a vehicle of freedom? I wonder if we could embrace it in freedom, not in guilt. When we know God has totally forgiven us, totally accepted us, totally embrased us.. then what is pennance? A kind of dance, perhaps. A slow, graceful dance. A gentle celebration of God's love, and a song to God where we say, simply, "Thank you." These are just some thoughts your post inspired in me.

[heather miller]

This is one subject I find myself struggling to filter through. Where my time and energy needs to go, every choice/decision I/we make with the children and each other. There's so many ways to feel guilty, but its easier thinking along in the area that it isn't of God....thanks for the reminder.

[brenda]

I was reading this blog and my husband came over and started reading over my shoulder, I said "she's just like me"--and as he finished the first paragraph he said "I'm glad I'm not a woman" Apparently he thinks this way of thinking is more a female thing(?) could be.

[Debbie]

It might be less of a guy thing. When I lay awake stressing that my son might become a high-powered international internet thief and require immediate plans on how to prevent such a catastrophe he does seem to think I am over-reacting.