When my mom was surrounded with more chaos than usual she used to say, "I'm not sure if I'm coming or going". I sure feel that way now.
Not so much for the everyday. With the everyday I have refused to be stressed and adapted the laid back attitude of "I'll be there when I get there" which normally makes me late for everything.
It is tomorrow that has me stumped. We are leaving our rental house in October. We decided we shouldn't sign on for another whole year. It is a new one year, unbreakable lease for each year of really high rent to live in a furnished house we cant seem to make our own. We would take another few months here while we look around but not another year. It is time to start packing and organizing but not quite sure how to do that. Are we really making this trip to America this year? Will we be moving into a more permanent place or a "winter let"? What about our stuff? Why haven't any doors opened yet? Right now I am feeling that may have been a foolish decision and thinking I might just be saying that because I want to find another way to condemn myself.
So we are moving out.
I guess I feel like parts of my being, my soul are scattered all over the world. On one level that is good. I have dear friends all over the world and they hold part of me there with them. A part of me that springs to life when with a very close friend. But now I am feeling like all the different parts of me have been in a marathon race and the part of me that is in the lead needs to lay down under a large tree and wait for the rest of me to catch up.
In our most intense travelling time I have rarely lost the sense of "home". It is like God gave us the special grace for it. I felt sorry for those who were settled. When I began to feel scattered we would sit under that tree along the side of the race and wait for the rest to catch up. To feel whole again. To feel like a family again. We would stop for "as long as we needed" and sometimes that would only be for a couple of nights.
I have been asking God to let us "settle" for a bit. The three older kids have been asking for it. They have been enthusiastic about our crazy life and are now asking to stay put for a while. Elizabeth says she wants us to buy a house. You know alot of people we care about have been saying "New Season", "God wants you to buy", "He has a castle for you", "it is time to stay put for awhile".
I feel like a beggar grasping for crumbs and building an inappropriate entire life vision on a single crumb.
We have nothing in the physical world and my faith is so weak.
Those who know me know a favourite past-time of mine is technicolour dreaming about the next stage. I am having none of those now.
I dreamt last night of barely escaping a bomb explosion with my family. Nobody else listened as me and Andrew yelled, but our kids. We stood just blocks from the explosion and went to the funerals afterwards.
I am losing my hope. Yesterday, after feeling like I wanted to become mist and an extended period of crying and feeling my hope waning I started whispering, "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness". I sang out "on Christ the solid rock I stand!" to remind myself.
Have I lost the right direction? Am I asking for the wrong things? It isn't like God to be elusive like this. I know I believe that God is in control, even if it is just a whisper. Am I just being a pathetic twit? To lost in my perceptions and interpretations and lies that I cant see the truth. Is my patience so weak that I concoct my own realities and lean on them?
I am weak, so weak.